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Comment on Infertility Affects More Than Infertiles

shorty — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:41:52 GMT

Hang in there - you'll find your way. I wish for you strength and happiness.

Comment on Infertility Affects More Than Infertiles

Antonia — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:42:30 GMT

These stories remind me of some friends that I lost due to being infertile. One of my very old friends moved back to the city where I lived and we started to become close friends again. Then she got pregnant although she was 42 at that time. I couldn't bear this. I started not to answer her calls and became quite rude by telling her that I don´t have time. That is only one story, I lost a lot of friends due to behaving like this. I think that infertility leads to loneliness as long as you are not able to openly tell at least friends that you are infertile. Sadly I am not that far.

Comment on Infertility Affects More Than Infertiles

stepping up — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:45:05 GMT

I feel so much more comfortable talking to all of you on this blog than anyone else in my life (sans my husband.) It's so helpful to check in with all of you everyday. It helps so much. It's good to see there's hope and kind words out there.

Comment on Looking Back At How I Got Here

liondog — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:42:53 GMT

I just turned 44 and adopted my first child from China over a year ago and am starting a second adoption soon. I called the adoption agency the day I turned 41. We did not try IVF because our funds were limited and did not want to blow what little money we had on such small odds.

My best friend who is single just signed up to be a foster adopt mom - a path that can lead to adoption. Four days after finishing the paperwork she received twin 5 month old girls. I just spent four days with them and fell head over heels in love with the babies.

I urge people to pursue other paths to parenthood. They are out there. Infertility is different than reaching the end of your naturally reproductive years. Sadly, this can happen well before we overcome the desire to love a child and parent.

Sometimes infertility can lead you down a road of acceptance. Radical acceptance. But sometimes the pain will not go away. But you can find ways to be a parent even if you have no money. Don't give up on the dream. I didn't and I am the happiest 44 year-old mama out there!

Wishing all of you that are suffering some peace.

Comment on Infertility Affects More Than Infertiles

Alacrity — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 11:37:41 GMT

Thanks for posting these messages PJ. Reading them, and the subsequent comments makes me realize just how much I am actually hurting inside.

Like you, I created a huge wall to protect myself, and now find myself fairly isolated IRL. While that approach has been helpful to me over the last five years in that it allowed me to keep myself together and functioning, I am now finding it incredibly difficult to envision how that wall will ever come back down.

Comment on Infertility Affects More Than Infertiles

Pamela Jeanne — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 07:15:52 GMT

Your story really struck a chord. Given how guilt-ridden and anxious I was at one time about why I wasn't getting pregnant, I couldn't talk to anyone. When I finally did and received warmth and caring I, too, was taken aback and cried at the relief of it all. There's nothing as healing as a kind word or gesture. It reminds me, too, of when a friend of mine sent me a beautiful orchid and condolence card when she learned our last IVF failed. It was a tangible recognition of our loss and to this day still makes me tear up when I think about how much the gesture meant to me.

Comment on Infertility Affects More Than Infertiles

shorty — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 07:09:50 GMT

I have an act of kindness to share. When I first found out about my infertility, I was devestated, and I naturally turned to those who I was closest to for comfort and understanding. That's when the real slap in the face happened - I found very little comfort and almost no understanding. Typical responses were (the same as all of us get, I'm sure) "you can always adopt", "quit stressing - it'll happen", "if you really want children, you'll have them. It's your own fault if you get defeated." Then, there were my favorites, the ones that insinuated it was my fault "is it all those birth control pills you took for years?" or "is it all of that running you do?" I couldn't take it anymore -- the feeling that I was going through trauma and no one cared -- so I stopped opening up to anyone.

That's when I ran into an old friend and we decided to have lunch. She asked how I was doing - I surprised myself by telling her that I was dealing with infertility and it was very devastating. Her response was a very, very compassionate look, and she said, "oh, no. please tell me all about it." I started crying right then in the middle of the cafeteria. No one had ever said that before. No one had asked what specifically it was that I was going through and what kinds of things I was dealing with. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life, and I'll always love her dearly for it. The moral of the story -- wonderful people ARE out there - and their kindness is much more important than the hurtfulness/disregard of others.

Comment on Infertility Affects More Than Infertiles

Kersti Borysowica — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 19:23:25 GMT

Celiac disease may cause infertility.
It occurs in about 1% of the US population, but doctors miss it 97% of the time. It can be detected by a blood test of tTG (tissue Trans Glutaminase) and IgA. Once diagnosed the only treatment is a gluten-free diet.
Wishing you luck.
K Borysowicz

Comment on Infertility Affects More Than Infertiles

shonda — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 19:23:45 GMT

Ladies,
I think we are all guilty of acting insensitively or carelessly when we are unaware of other's situations. Because of my friend's infertility and was actually with her a couple of times when she found out about or ran into someone who we knew might not be fit parents (one whose child is now is CPS custody), she put a voice to the frustration and, frankly, anger you must all feel to see some be so cavalier toward a life experience you all have forked out a fortune in money and tears to reach, often in vain. I liken myself as someone who tries to be aware of the struggles of others, but I've had many foot in the mouth situations. And that's just the ones I know of, no telling how many I didn't realize I did.
My friend who went through infertility is like my sister. She is as much an aunt to my kids as my sister is. For that reason, I've let her see my ugly side and she's let me see hers. She knew she could vent to me about how she was pissed when a girl she worked with giggled about an accidental pregnancy. I remember that she said that she felt silly being mad, but she couldn't help it. The girl was 19, unwed with no savings.
My friend's candid conversations with me opened my eyes to her full struggle. I already knew it was hard. Honestly, I cannot imagine it. I've had things in my life that were just beyond my fingertips, but I know if I would have been infertile, I would've been the angriest, most bitter infertile on Earth. But, those were hypothetical thoughts. My friend's honesty gave those hypothetical feelings a face I knew on a person I loved.
So, keep educating us. I wrote an article a few years ago about breast cancer fund raising and, according to the experts I spoke with, the most effective soldiers in that battle are survivors and their close friends and family. (BTW, does infertility have research fundraisers?)
My favorite blogs are frank truth,no matter what the content is about. And, no blog sector is more honest, often painful, than infertility blogs. I guess that's why I like them.
I'm sure most of you do talk openly with your loved ones like my friend did with me. But, if you don't, do. The anguish is so much more real when it's on the face of someone you love. In the meantime, keep up your great posts. Whether you are inspiring others to not be ashamed of valid feelings or giving each other a shoulder to lean on or informing the general public about as overlooked sector of the population, you are all doing great work!

Comment on Infertility Affects More Than Infertiles

Deathstar — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 16:48:59 GMT

Just like Mel said at the conference, there are just the sensitive and the insensitive. It's heartwarming to see such sensitive women out there who are seeking a better way of being a caring friend.